loss.

(stuffed animals I made for my friend who is expecting. sewing by hand is so soothing for me. if anyone else wants one, let me know, I would love to make you one. also, just an FYI: I am going to add eyes.)

So as I mentioned last week, I needed some time away to deal with some personal issues. I would first like to thank everyone who reached out and left comments on that post and/or sent me sweet and thoughtful emails*. It meant more to me than you probably realize. I was unsure whether or not I wanted to write about this, but after talking with a fellow blogger** about this, I decided I did want to write. It is not something I should be ashamed of. I think it happens much more often than people talk about***. So, I was pregnant up until about 12:00 today (I had a d&c but my doctor said I was in the process of miscarrying and it would have happened at some point today or tomorrow). I found out at the end of January I was expecting (I had been suspecting for months but lots of negative test results made me think maybe something else was going on). I was elated but hesitant since I knew so much could go wrong so early (I was about 5 weeks when I found out). We told our families (mothers, fathers, stepmoms & dads, sisters, sister-in-laws) and a couple close friends (I told a friend from high school which ended up being the best thing I could have done; she had also miscarried and her experience basically mirrored mine and she has been an amazing resource and shoulder to lean on). I knew I wanted to stay with my current lady doctor since I had been going to her for 10+ years and really liked all the doctors and nurses at her office. Sure I had to wait eons in the waiting room for every appointment but I thought it was worth it for a good doctor. This ended up being a huge issue. Everytime I went I saw a new doctor, they had no idea of my history and basically just 'diagnosed' me with something different every single time. I saw 4 or 5 doctors in the span of week and was told everything from 'you're fine' to 'you're miscarrying' to 'we think it's ectopic' to 'we can't seem to diagnose anyone today! we're having a real off day' and was told I was everything from a couple weeks to 4 months. Also, they never returned my calls (even when it was bad news). They called me one day at work and asked me to leave immediately to get an ultrasound (this was of course the day I got a ride to work) and then after freaking me out, told me nothing (this was also the day I burst out crying at work, then all my co-workers found out what was going on). One doctor said I was ectopic, another said I wasn't, then they 'thought' I was. The best thing that came out of this experience was getting a new wonderful doctor who I have complete confidence in. He doesn't talk to me like I'm stupid, he returns my calls and he 'figured out' what was going on in about 2 days. I am going to keep meeting with him from now on (now my old doctor is calling me back, basically behaving like an ex-boyfriend, they just want to "talk" and they want me back, baby. They didn't really call me baby). The worst thing is probably telling people this baby would not be born, telling our dads and moms they wouldn't be grandparents, our sisters wouldn't be aunts. The worst thing is seeing babies, noticing pregnancies, having all my favorite shows reference babies/pregnancies (Liz Lemon? you too???). The worst thing was having symptoms but knowing there would not be a baby. The worst thing was seeing my husband upset. Also, although this didn't actually happen, all I could think about was someone close to us calling us to say "hooray! we got pregnant and it was so easy and everything is going perfect for us!". Also, now I can't watch '16 and Pregnant' or 'I'm Pregnant and...' or 'I Didn't Know I was Pregnant'. Obviously, this is something I am still going through but I have lots of good people in my life. I've done my fair share of crying and I know some things will still set me off (like the next person who asks 'pregnant yet?'). Right now, I'm just hanging out, watching tv, avoiding returning calls I don't want to, resting and wearing jeggings. This is the one time you cannot judge me for wearing them.

*you know who you are. thanks again.
**again, you know who you are. I cannot thank you enough for talking to me since you had been through this.
*** this being said, anyone who goes through this and needs a friend, please send me an email: orangeimpossible@yahoo.com. being able to talk to people, especially my high school friend, really really helped me out. in good news: she is pregnant again and I could not be happier for her.